


We're okay

by NovemberWings



Series: Everything's okay (Trans! John Deacon) [3]
Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 1970s, 1970s Era Queen (Band), 1970s Era Roger Taylor (Queen), Acceptance, Accepting, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Mutual Pining, Period Typical Attitudes, Pining, Trans Male Character, Trans! John Deacon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-12 18:29:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20568902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovemberWings/pseuds/NovemberWings
Summary: Roger has liked John for ages, two years in fact. He struggled with liking John because he didn't want to ruin the band so for years he kept pushing his feelings down.But when John comes out as trans and confesses his loneliness Roger makes an effort to make sure that John knows that he is loved and wanted. But through all of that Roger's feelings all come rushing back - and he's not sure that he can suppress it anymore.





	We're okay

Roger groaned, took his glasses off and pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes before giving another exasperated groan.

“Why?” He moaned out loud to what he thought was an empty room.

“Why what?” Roger jerked harshly, pulling his hands away from his face to look towards where the voice had come from. He didn’t need to squint to know it was Brian from the big mess of curly hair standing in the doorway to the living room. He had thought he was home alone, he put his hand over his chest to feel his fast beating heart.

“Fuck.” He spoke through a little laugh, “don’t do that.” He grabbed his glasses and put them back on his face as Brian started laughing a little, moving to sit in the armchair next to the settee that Roger was slouching on.

“Sorry, I thought you knew I was there. Well…?” He held his hands in front of him, towards Roger. Roger frowned, was Brian expecting an apology or something… this what normally happened when he had done something wrong.

“’Well’ what?” He asked shaking his head in confusion, “I haven’t done anything.” Brian laughed.

“I didn’t think you had done something but now you’ve said that I do think you’ve done something.” He laughed, while managing to look a little worried about the hypothetical chaos that Roger had caused.

“I haven’t done anything, Brian.” He snapped, his nerves were frayed constantly at the moment. He felt constantly on edge and he couldn’t help but snap sometimes. He did feel bad about it because he knew that Brian and Freddie didn’t deserve his constant fowl mood.

Brian’s thinking that he had done something wrong - even though he said he hadn’t - grated on Roger, more than it probably should have, considering a lot of the time he had done something wrong. Brian held his hands up in surrender – looking shocked at Roger’s sudden tonal shift, when they had just been bantering a few moments before.

“Alright.” He said, the laughter gone from his voice – which made Roger feel bad. He dragged his hand down his face.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap.”

“It’s okay. Are you alright, rainbow? You’re seem more on edge at the moment?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” His voice was still short and he could hear the tiredness coming through in his own voice, he hadn’t been sleeping great since his feelings had gotten worse. There was a moment of silence between the two, with Brian clearly debating whether or not he should push Roger any further and eventually he decided to clarify what he meant earlier;

“When I said ‘well’, I meant for you to explain your: ‘why’. What was the 'why' for?” Brian sounded sincere, he had always been good like that. He was always sweet and kind when he needed to be and he had this aura that made it seem like he understood everything and could solve every problem in the world. Plus he was super accepting and a brilliant listener.

Roger felt entirely conflicted. He wanted to scream and let all the words fall out of his mouth in a tumble of confessions. He wanted to tell everyone about his feelings for John. He wanted to tell everyone except John. But at the same time he didn’t want anyone to know but John. It could be their secret. Overall, however, Roger didn’t want to say any of it out loud, because saying out loud acknowledged it. It made it real. And he didn’t know if he could deal with any of this being real. He sighed, completely stuck, and Brian being the most fucking perfect person in the world said in the softest and kindest voice;

“You can tell me anything.” And before Roger knew it he was speaking.

“I like Deaky!” He almost shouted in the catharsis of saying it out loud. He was so shocked he clamped his hand over his mouth, almost unable to believe he had said it aloud.

“What?” Brian’s tone mirrored the surprise Roger felt, but it was definitely surprise for different reasons.

“I like Deaky. Like I like-like him.” He could feel himself starting to blush and his face was burning. “I really like him, Bri, a lot.”

“You want to date John?"

"Yes… no… I do… but…urghh,” He put his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his palms before mumbling, “it’s just so complicated.” There was no sound for a few moments, and Roger didn’t know what was going on in Brian’s head. He knew that Brian wouldn’t have a problem with Roger liking boys, they all accepted Freddie and they all accepted Deaky being transgender so he was sure that common courtesy would extend to him, but he was worried about Brian’s reaction because John was a member of Queen.

The thought had crossed Roger’s mind as well. He was worried that he would be tearing up the group by being honest about his feelings and he would always put the band first - especially over a one sided romance.

"Rog... I don't want to... offend you… but I have to say that it is really shitty to only want to date John because he's trans." Brian spoke through a wince as if now wanting to say it but his voice was so certain and confident that he sounded so sure that he had it right.

Roger’s head snapped up, felt his mouth drop open at Brian's words in pure shock as he made serious eye contact with Brian who returned it unflinchingly. How the hell could Brian think that? Sure Roger knew he was annoying sometimes but he didn't think that he was so bad that his friend would think that of him.

"Oh fuck off, Brian." He hissed when he finally had gotten his shock under control. He was angry at Brian for thinking that and he was upset that Brian could think that. He was really fucking upset in so many ways.

"I'm just saying." Brian continued, "You do realise that despite his body John's a guy? And it's really crappy to want to date him because he's got a vagina." Brian harboured a lot, of what sounded like, anger in his voice but Roger could detect that really it was protectiveness.

Because John was the youngest, the others often felt the need to protect him - even though it was pretty clear that he could protect himself. It was just another thing that made Roger adore Deaky. John had such a vibe of innocence, and almost childishness, that Roger felt like he should protect John. But logically Roger knew that John wasn't as innocent as he seemed. He always managed to put down the best swear words during scrabble and he always knew how to handle himself with a dickhead interviewer or an overzealous fan. He was such a multifaceted person it drove Roger mad.

“I don’t want to date him because he has a vagina!” Roger snapped sharply, his words icy and cold. He was angry but mostly he was offended that Brian would think so low of him. “How much of a cunt do you think I am?” He scoffed, but his voice betrayed the hurt he felt strongly.

“Well did you only start liking him after you found out?” Brian said, as if that would settle the argument and prove Brian right.

“No. I’ve liked him since Christmas two years ago!” He shouted his confession. “He found this stall in a market somewhere or other and got them to paint me a commission…” He smiled remembering it, the anger slowly fading away, “It was me sitting in a red Aston Martin Vintage and the back ground was lyrics from my songs. It’s one of my favourite things that I own.” He came back to reality and slit his eyes at Brian, his anger reigniting. “THAT’S when I started to like him, Brian, not when I found out he was born a girl.”

He was met with silence as Brian stared at him, obviously in some degree of shock. That satisfied Roger quite a lot. It satisfied him enough that he wasn’t embarrassed to have just told Brian about why he loved John – something very personal.

“But you like girls?” Brian spluttered out after a moment, “You’ve never slept with a guy before.”

“No guy I’ve ever met has been like John.” Roger shrugged as if it were obvious, “I’m bisexual, I just never thought I needed to mention it.” Brian nodded. Roger had been right; there was never any question about whether or not Brian would accept him.

“Well if you’ve liked John for so long why has it only become a recent problem?” Brian frowned and Roger paused for a moment, thinking of what to say.

“When I figured out I liked John I guess I kind of started to pull away… distance myself from him to make it easier for me. I didn’t want to ruin the band or our friendship or make anyone uncomfortable. So I thought it would be best to push it down.”  
He distinctly remembered going through that train of thought 2 years ago. He sat in his room crying, having a debate with himself about what to do. He knew he either had to tell John then or never and he had decided that never was the right call. And he had kept his promise for two years.  
“But when I found out about him being trans he told me that he didn’t feel like he was part of the band and part of me felt like it was my fault… because I pulled away from him. I made sure I wasn’t close to him to make everything easier but I was hurting him. So I wanted to make him feel part of the band… make him feel welcome, let him know that I still love him. So I started sitting with him and touching him and being with him and it made everything that I pushed down come back.” He put his face in his hands again his shoulders sagging.

Brian stood up and sat next to Roger on the sofa and put an arm around him shoulders – pulling him close while Roger still held him head in his hands.

“I don’t care what body he has. I don’t care.” He shrugged and let out a humourless laugh, “I don’t just want to have sex with him… I want to hold him and watch films with him and mess up recipes together and cuddle in bed. I want to do all the couple stuff. I know you all think I only care about sex and just think I’m the band ‘slut’ but that’s not true.” He huffed a little, feeling small and alone. “I don’t just want sex from him, I’m not that much of an arsehole.”

“Rog, we know that you care about more than just sex, we do know that.”

“I’m not emotionless, Brian. I do feel things, I just get worried about showing it.” He sat up, feeling his face burning – this is the most open he has been in years.

“I know.” Brian said, sounding a little mournful at Roger’s truthful confession. “You can show us how you feel, you know that, don’t you?” Roger nodded but didn’t say anything for a moment, but just chose to lean into Brian’s side.

“What do you think I should do?” He was met with silence. Brian took in a few breathes to start speaking before he changed his mind on what he wanted to say until he finally settled on something.

“You really like him?” His voice wasn’t dubious or judgmental. Just a plain question. Roger nodded.

“Yeah… I really do.” His voice was sad, knowing how difficult this whole situation was and knowing how, that no matter how hard he wished, it wouldn’t just go away.

“Then I think you should tell him. You should tell him what you’ve just told me.” Brian said frankly and certainly. Roger was absolutely shocked – he had unknowingly prepared himself to hear Brian telling him that he should carry on pushing his feelings down and never mention it. He hadn’t expected Brian to tell him to go for it.

“What about the band?”

“Roger… I get that Queen is important but we’re people first then we are Queen. We have to look after John, Freddie, Roger and Brian before we look after Queen. And the band will survive, we’re too strong to break apart.” Brian spoke as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“What if he doesn’t like me back?” Roger’s voice was small and weak, a complete juxtaposition to his singing voice.

“You know, Rog, I think he will like you back.” Certainty lacing Brian’s voice, certainty which Roger doubted with his ethereal being, “and even if he doesn’t Deaky isn’t the type to hold a grudge. We’ll get through this and you’ll get through it as well… but I know if you don’t tell him you’ll always regret it.”

Roger nodded, knowing that Brian was right but just because he knew that it was right didn’t make it any easier…

“We’re good, right?” He knew he had been acting like an ass for the past few weeks, and if he was going to tell John he needed Brian on his side.

“Yeah, of course.” Brian’s complete ease made Roger relax, and he deeply appreciated the friendship he knew he would always have with Brian.

+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_

Roger chugged the last of his beer bottle before standing up from his bed with determination. He kept his eyes locked on John’s painting which he had on the wall before talking a breath and leaving his room. He didn’t know who was home, and secretly he was kind of hoping that John had gone out – but Roger knew that he hadn’t. John didn’t tend to go out on his own very often, usually only to go to the shops or something equally mundane but it was too late to be out shopping so the likelihood was that he was in.

As fast as he could, without running, he made his ways to John’s bedroom door and before he could convince himself to do otherwise he rapped his knuckles on the door. Only after he had done it did he realise how hard and urgent he had made the knocks sound, but it was done now and the adrenaline was still definitely rushing through him.

The door quickly opened to reveal a panicked looking John – probably worried because of the desperate sounding knocking that Roger had just attempted to knock his door down with.

“What’s going on? Is everything alright?” His eyes were flicking over Roger’s body, clearly trying to find some injury. It made Roger’s heart somehow beat even faster than before – both because of how caring John was, and how much Roger loved him for it, and because of how much strong attention John was giving him.

“Everything’s fine.” He rushed to reassure him, and the panicked look on John’s face did relax a little – though Roger’s voice was tense and tight. “I just want to talk to you about something really quick.” Roger said, his tongue tingling with nerves. Worry found John’s face – it was different to the panic that had just been there but there was definitely a clear anxiety. He nodded grimly before stepping back into his room, and going to sit on the bed. Roger followed him in and closed the door behind him, with Brian’s words echoing in his head; ‘Just tell him what you told me.’ Roger took a steadying breath as he sat on the bed next to John.

“What is it?” John’s voice warbled a little.

“Do you remember you bought me that painting for Christmas?” Roger blurt out, almost shouting in his panic. He saw John slightly wince at his loud tone and he wanted to slap the shit out of himself. How was he already messing this up?

John paused as he thought before he slowly nodded, frowning in concentration.

“The one with you in the Aston Martin?” Roger nodded emphatically, “Err… yeah I remember it vaguely… why?”

“Well you know that I really love that painting,” his voice wasn’t as loud as before but the words were rushed and were blending in to one another as Roger desperately tried to open up to him. “it’s one of the best things I own. No, it is the best thing that I own. I love it so much and I love it because you got it for me. Well I like the painting, it’s a beautiful painting and it was a really thoughtful present and I like the picture but mainly I like it because you thought about it and got it done for me.” He stopped, knowing that he was rambling and John was frowning at him in confusion – clearly struggling to keep up with what exactly Roger was saying. Roger sighed – knowing he was making no progress. He had written so many speeches and prepared what he was going to say and this wasn’t supposed to be how this went.

“Thanks.” John said, his tone bemused but with a tinge of confusion, “I’m glad you liked it.” He smiled genuinely. “Is that what you wanted to tell me?” He asked, talking one of Roger’s trembling hands in his own, holding it gently making Roger want to scream and cry with frustration and happiness at the same time. He took another deep breath – knowing that this was it.

“When you gave me that picture… I realised I like you.” He said simply, looking into John’s eyes. John blinked a few times, obviously processing what Roger had just said.

“I… don’t understand. You mean that’s when you started liking me as a friend?” He asked frowning, with a touch of hope in his voice.

“No… I liked you as a friend about a week after we met, dummy.” He let out a little laugh – John’s innocent assumption charming him again, while also making his heart ache as he realised that he would never get to be with John in a relationship and have the pride of saying that he was in a relationship with this innocence, adorable man. “That picture made me realise that I like you… in a romantic way.” A blush possessed his entire head, lighting up his cheeks and his neck in a bright rouge. His blush was mirrored on John’s face. When John didn’t say anything, clearly in a little bit of shock, Roger jumped to fix the situation.  
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to make you feel bad or awkward, but I wanted to tell you now. I don’t expect you to say you like me back or anything – I get that. Nothing has to change between us though… I just felt like I needed to tell you. Sorry.” He finished extremely embarrassed. John gave a sad smile, with Roger’s rant bringing him out of his shock.

“Don’t be sorry.” John squeezed Roger’s hand tightly, “I’m sorry that I’m not good enough to be with you.” There was no malice in John’s voice or a taunting tone – just genuine self-deprecating sorrow.

“What?” Roger responded, completely confused. “What do you mean?”

“I’m sorry I’m not normal… I understand how disappointed you must be about finding out that I’m not biologically a man. I’m sorry about all the baggage that I have. It would have been nice though, I do admit.” A few tears found a place in John’s eyes, and understanding hit Roger like a freight train.

“Deaky I don’t care about what body you have! I love you because of who you are not your body!” Roger said emphatically, grabbing John’s elbows and shaking him gently, wanting him to see sense. “And I don’t want to date you just for your body either! I love the man you are Deaky, please see that.” There was a pause and a sniffle before John managed to speak.

“So… you still like me even thought I’m trans?” He asked, his voice too dubious for Roger’s liking.

“Yes!” His voice imploring John to feel how genuine he was.

“And you still want to date me?”

“Yes! One hundred percent!” There was a pause where John was thinking and Roger, being cheeky to his core, decided to push his luck, “if it’s okay with you I would like to kiss you.” He saw John freeze as what Roger had said registered before he mutely nodded and Roger started to lean in.

John’s lips against his own felt like magic. He was happy but overall he was shocked. He couldn’t believe that he was finally feeling what he wanted to feel for 2 years; John’s lips against his. Their kiss was clumsy and broken up but it felt so right. Roger circled John’s shoulders and pulled him in close, abandoning John’s mouth to kiss lazily at his neck.

“You’re so kissable and lovable. I love you so much.” He said between kisses.

“I love you too.” John responded, hugging Roger tightly – pulling him close to his body as if trying to make them one and it felt wonderful.

+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_

They had spent the next few hours kissing and talking before they heard the front door open and close signalling that someone had been out and had come home. The slam brought reality back to where John and Roger had felt as if they were floating in a capsule locked away from time, space and reality. John looked to Roger;

“Are we going to tell them?”

“If you want to.” Roger was happy – he would do whatever John wanted; whether that be to tell the other boys or nobody. John nodded definitely;

“I want to.” He smiled and Roger smiled back.

“Me too. Shall we tell them now?” John nodded excitedly, and they both bounded up from the bed, rushing into the kitchen – where they could hear the sink being filled with water.

In the kitchen Brian was leaning against the side with a mug of tea in his hand while Freddie stood at the sink, about to start the washing up. The two were in gentle and calm conversation, and when John and Roger rushed in Brian looked up and instantly put two and two together – a broad smile forming on his face.

“We have something to tell you!” Roger announced ecstatically. Freddie looked over his shoulder at them while Brian turned his body towards them.

“We’re dating.” John finished for Roger before leaning over and kissing Roger’s cheek, making him blush deeply. Brian smiled broadly while Freddie through his hands in the air – sending soapy water everywhere.

“John has a boyfriend, Roger has a boyfriend!” He sung in a playground sing-song voice, before he finished with the absolutely most childish thing possible. “Roger and Deaky sitting in a tree; K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” He started clapping with wet hands, spraying them all with water in the tiny kitchen. But they all laughed and no one cared too much – especially Roger, who was pretty sure that this was the best day of his life. 

And deep down John thought the same, because not only was he finally dating the man who he had loved since his audition but Freddie’s childish taunting showed him that he was truly accepted by them as not only a guy but as one of the guys.

**Author's Note:**

> So this took a lot longer than I wanted it to, and if I'm completely honest I don't love it. Usually when I write Queen stuff I find it quite fun and natural to write but I don't know what's different about this one? I don't think it's as good as my usual stuff, but I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder and someone might enjoy this so I thought I should upload it anyway.
> 
> Especially because people really wanted a follow up to the last fic in this series.
> 
> I'm not overly proud of this - it feels rushed and forced to me - I hope I didn't let you guys down too much with this and I hope that it's something like what you wanted? Anyway, please let me know how you feel anyway and I hope that you enjoyed reading this.


End file.
